So I haven't blogged in so long because I have been working bunches of hours and somehow I just can't motivate myself to write after work when I feel like I have been hit by a bus. This is my first day of vacation and really it isn't going to be a full blown vacation because I am doing some contract labor which isn't much fun but it is good money so praises for that.
God always provides and it is awesome to be able to sit back and watch Him work. I am a doer and a control freak of the highest order...it is very difficult to let go and just trust. I think sometimes God says okay here is the test...and I have the greatest expectations for how you will not only pass it but be so much better because of it. But so often I see myself getting caught up in the 'why do you let these things happen God' and miss all the little things along the way. The way He provides the help so that we can not only endure the test but become the man or woman He knows we can be. I always have this joke that I don't need anymore character...I have plenty...but the truth is...that can never be the case and I am glad He knows that and isn't satisfied with just letting us settle to be any less than our full potential. Of course that is so much easier to say when you aren't hurting or in the darkness and not knowing when the light is going to break through...I know that feeling well my friend and it is not an easy road. Nor do I guess it was easy to hang on a cross and suffer for sins that were not His to bear. I am so unworthy and yet so expectant of the things I think are important at any given moment. PLEASE!! open my eyes Father that I may not toil on this earth for things that are meaningless and that will one day rot and be of no use. I just want to see the things that matter the most through this haze of worldly junk. Man - will I ever get it...my intentions are good but my spirit is sometimes so weak!!!
Okay so this has went to kinda heavy real fast but my heart aches right now and I just wish sometimes that I was stronger than I pretend to be! Don't we all do that? Pretend that we are strong and that we have it all under control...because there is a illusion of peace when we think we have control of what is happening around us...but the truth is...it's just that...an illusion. I work so hard at letting go and having peace that comes from a Father that cares about nothing outside of my salvation...and while 98% of the time, it works...there are days that I try to grab hold of the control again...and it is on those days that my heart feels lined by that all to familiar ache and I find that I am reminding myself again that all those things that I allow to control my happiness simply do not matter! I am telling myself that today and I pray that all of my dear friends and family know I pray that for you too because I know we all carry that burden and it is much too heavy a responsibility. I am so blessed by the friends and family I have and thank God every day for you!!!